Brownies look like poop..... but clog the toilet! ........be ware! u have been warned

It's funny, growing up Halloween was always my favorite holidays. Sure there was Christmas when everybody would throw toys at you and whatever drew blood you got to keep, but it didn't hold a candle to getting to dress up as whatever demons tortured your soul. Granted at age 8 the demons mostly consisted of things like Bart Simpson or, in my ca...I mean this dumb kid down the roads case, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Anyway, I remember having Halloween parties. I remember pinatas...demonic pinatas! I remember sack races and other fall type outdoor games. But the greatest tradition was the Haunted Village.

You see I live in a small town. Always have, and sadly like most people here probably always will. For is it not writ upon the water tower "Verily all who born here are there must die there till is sacrificed a virgin gerbil within the anus of a straight Catholic priest"...so it's just never gonna happen (Catholic burn! Ohhh yeah!)

Anyway the town is rather conservative. The moto is "Where history lives" to which we in our genius youth once added "And history dies". Ohh the cleverness of me. Most of the people are members of one of the ten surrounding churches. Yes, a town that's maybe three square miles has ten churches within it's boundries or near enough to count. But on Halloween the evil streak in everyone came present and we got to see some real fucked up shit.

To give a basic layout the Century Village is where just about everything is held except for the town fair. The Century village is about a 500 yard square. It's the original village of Burton. There's all kinds of old houses and barns and things that make tourists go "how quaint" and me want to see it all burned down. Preferably with said tourists inside.

So the Haunted Village takes place at the Century Village, or used to anyway, and, as I said, it gave us a glimpse of the real thoughts of our neighbors. I remember one year we were driving through on the cart and in one of the houses there was a bloody tableau on a table. There were hacked up body parts lying around on a table cloth covered in gore. There were children screaming in the window convincing enough to make you wonder if some mad man really were in there and hacking them to pieces and sucking their meat of the bones. On the porch was a giant of a man dressed all in white covered in blood stains and tendrils of gore. Resting on his lap was the mother of all butcher knives. And on his face was a mask that would make Leather Face cringe with fear and disgust. Through all this he's sitting on the porch playing a harmonica.

At this point my cousin, who's a year younger than me, decides to dive under the bench seats. I can't say I wasn't freaked out myself, being maybe 7 at the time at the most, but I was far too transfixed by everything that was going on. This was just one house out of dozens that fucked up shit was going on it. But despite the ghouls crawling underneath our cart (much to my cousins eternal delight, I'm sure) and the Headless Horseman going by and all the other things, that one house will always stand out in my memory.

Sure I've been to Haunted Houses which invariably have the advantage of dark enclosed spaces to shock you more than genuinely scare you, but nothing will ever compare to the bit of small town nostalgia.

But have you eveer noticed how once when we were kids the pinnacle of doing something bad at a Halloween party was stealing someone's candy? Now there's drunken beligerance, slutty costumes, "Free Mobile Mammograms Booths", fights, drugs, and the ever present razors and syringes in candy which amazingly not a single person has ever found. EVER. Personally I still love Halloween more than anything.

Anyway Happy Halloween!...you bitch!

love
-James

2 Things: (10/23/05 2:36pm)
1) The Greatest Chorus video shows fine on Firefox Beta 2, they said there might be troubles on Firefox, so I'm just letting you know.
2) What are everyone's 10 fav Horror movies? I know at least Frank knows quite a few. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- James

Comment by Frank October 23 @ 11:03 pm
Top 10 horror movies is a tough choice. I could take the easy way out and say Friday the 13th: I - X, but Jason X was so terrible, I can't even pretend it was good to get out of making a list. ( Thats pretty bad, because I would do anything to get out of making a list of anything ) Who thought it would be a good idea to put a masked murderer on a spaceship? I hope whoever it was got shot, because they definitely deserve it.

Actually, the series really started to go downhill after part 6, when they turned Jason from a disfigured, retarded, hillbilly with a machete into a walking zombie. The only redeeming factor in that movie was Cory Feldman's appearance in the first 2 minutes.

Now that I think about it, parts 4 and 5 pretty much sucked too... and part 3 was terrible because it was shot in 3D, so they were always throwing shit at the screen. Part 2 was pretty much the same story as the part 1... And the original movie blew donkey balls...

So here's my top 10..

Frank's Top 10 Horror Movies
1:Friday the 13th X
2:Friday the 13th IX
3:Friday the 13th VIII
4:Friday the 13th VII
5:Friday the 13th VI
6:Friday the 13th V
7:Friday the 13th IV
8:Friday the 13th III
9:Friday the 13th II
10:Friday the 13th


Movie: Arnold Schwarzenegger Commercial 1
Movie: Arnold Schwarzenegger Commercial 2
Movie: Either I never Saw This Or I Repressed The Memory. Zeldaaa!
Movie: Leonard Part 6
Movie: McDonald's Scared Silly
Picture: Welcome To The Country
Picture: Frank And I Go To Pleasure Town
Picture: Psycho Cat and Ninja Hamster Part 1: A Show Of Force
Picture: Psycho Cat and Ninja Hamster Part 2: A Viscious Assault
Picture: Psycho Cat and Ninja Hamster Part 3: Friends Forever
Picture: Psycho Cat And Ninja Hamster Epilogue: Hippie Jesus Loves Ninja Hamster
Link: Some Sexified Guys MySpace Page
Link: Foamy Rants About Halloween
Link: Internet Perverts
Link: Kneel Before Zod
Link: The Great Soda Popinski
Link: Don't Fuck The Children
Link: Hitler To Be Metallica's New Drummer. In Other News: Metallica Still Alive
Link: Be afraid, be very afraid. And oh yeah, don't do drugs.
Link: Freddy Glove Contest
Link: Warning! Poisonous Snake!
Link: Damn You! You Dirty Nazi's! You Damned Nazi Racoons!
Link: The Guy Who Made The Best Comic Ever Grew Up and Lives in my County!
Link: I Wonder Who Funded This Research? Coke or Pepsi?
Link: Planet Legos
Link: Yay! Time For Another War! Coalition of the Willing POWEEEEERRR!!!!
Link: You Ever Suck A Dick For An X-Box 360? Now There's An Addiction
Link: Baseball. In Other Nwws: No One Cares
Link: 25 Years Of Jason Voorhees. Happy Birthday Big Guy.
Link: Brazilians Vote Whether To Ban Guns Or Not. Could Go Either Way.
Link: A Small Break Before Wilma Hits...WILMAAAAAAA!!!!!
Link: I Fail To See How There's Even An Excuse That He Wasn't Pardoned Instantly
Link: Lisl Auman
Link: Makes Me Wish There Were A Scary News Section
Link: 100 Greatest Horror Moments (A Lot of Which I Agree With)
Link: Greatest Chorus Ever

Like it or not video games are the newest Blood Sport. Once there was a time when people would go out and play football in the yard, or if you were yearning for some europian shit you might play soccer or rugby. Those days are long over.

Soon teams of players will compete against others in packed arenas while Jumbo-tron tvs display all the action with play-by-play from todays hottest nerds. And rest assured, the nerds of today will be the MVP's of tomorrow.

The people who skorn the opposite sex, the peoples whose books and keyboard are all an off color orange from the dread Cheeto-finger, these people will have trading cards. Not just any trading card either, the shiny foil hologram ones. They will show them in all their pimply glory in some fearsome pose at their computers.

And of course there will be the leagues. The FPS League, the RPG League, The Platformer League, the RTS LEague. FPS will be like football, with drunken idiots and half empty kegs littering the room. They will be the true jocks. The Platformers will be like baseball, using strategy, skill, timing, and a whole lot of patience. The RTS league will be like watching a game of golf, slow, calculating, time consuming. And as for the RPG league...it'll be a league of their own.

But then again maybe Jack Thompson (AKA Senile Douche-Bag, Douchey McDouche; Attorney at Law) will get his way and get video games prohibited. Imagine it. Video games are getting blamed for everything under the sun, including the Hollocaust, inbreeding, and Southern Baptists no doubt.

So a world without video games. Yeah right. Just like in the 1920's during the prohibition there was not a drop of alcohol drunk in America. Or how since the 1920's till now one has smoked marijuana, done cocaine, or any other illicit drug.

Video games will continue. Instead of a drug dealer Lou Reed's "man" would be a game dealer. In Las Vegas possesion of a video game will get you 20 years, sale will get you life.

The Al Capone's of the industry will be the game designers. Or rather the directors will be. The designers will be their producers, the people who make the product. Then there will be the matter of smuggling it in. People who play strategy games will be given this task, because they will do it just for a hit of a game. They will work cheap, and they will work well, with their minds blazing through 30 different scenarios at once to see what is the best path to take.

First Person Shooter players will of course be given the job of guard duty and enforcers. Strap a gun in their hands, tell them you're the civilian with the key card they need to earn, and they will be your loyal dog.

Don't doubt this. Not only are video games an addiction that far too many of us are in the grasp of, they are also a fundamental part of our culture now. The days of playing catch with dad and pickup games with the neighbors are long over. Dad is an abusive drunk currently in the state correctional facility and the neighbors are perverts. Much better to stay inside where we can simulate outside at $50 a pop, or $20 if it's sold enough copies to be a "Platinum Hit".

Even reefer lovers don't spend every minute of every day thinking about getting high...maybe every other minute. But for those of you who have played video games, don't try denying that on some part of your brain you're piecing together how to beat that boss, how to solve that puzzle, or just letting your fingers twitch as if they were striking buttons.

And with that so ends my rant, and my silence, and the lack of posts on Blarfy that Tyler and Bryan have commented on. I'll even try to get some links on here. YAY!

Ok Tyler, Here's a story for all the viewers. So, the other day I was walking down the street and saw something in the sky. I wasn't a bird, nor a plane; NOR superman. It was a LAME ASS POST!!! To save the day from Tyler's Post! ::trumpet sounds:: There ya go!

ok this is pathetic some one else make a post about something worth while reading cause i hate to say it but im not doing a very good job.

It has come to my attention that in fact I am a crazy driver... I dont make complete stops at stops signs, i zig zag between lanes to get ahead of a phew cars only to stop at a light a block away, i dont use a blinker sometimes and only have one hand on the steering wheel, i shift at the wrong times at way to high rpms, i dont where my seat belt, and only put it on when people remind me to or when i almost get into an accident, i swerve when trying to find the cd i want, the list could go on but i cant rememeber all my driving techniques.

so who wants to drive with me?

or could it be that we all have done these things at least once if not all the time when behind a wheel in our own car.

Conforming to the previous posts, since i don't make many, should i call my self ruff-a-nutty-tyler or is it ruff-a-lot-of..tyler, anyways... hopefully i wont kill the "vibes" of this post by saying im not sure if i come across very informing or insightful or enlightening. it always been in the back of my mind but i came to realize that i don't always say the smartest things and words sometimes don't come out right, from the thought process to the actual vibrations of the cords. for some reason it sounds so good in my head. many of you may not know this but i used to have a speech impediment as a kid, no i didn't stutter, it came from me being nervous i guess and knowing that i would get stuck on certain words, this put me in stage fright and then id make a fool of myself..yes in front of the cutest girl in school.

anyways back to the main reason of this post, hmm which i totally forgot, it sounded cool in my head though, haha oh yeah...

i met this cool dude in plymouth, well we all did, the crew i was with. his name is garner and he was out promoting his cd and i promised him i would tell you guys on here. we listened to his cd on the car ride home and it was alot better than i expected, everything flowed great and i found my self bobbing my head.

His website is www.blaytant.com

Garner was a very genuine dude and i hope he has great luck in promoting his cd and his career. the link below is me and him..."him and I" haha oh yeah and "brain" is gracing us with his head shot in the background.

P.S. i not sure what the beginning was about, sorry

Garner and I

Blarfy is in desperate need of some more movies. Here are a few, with many more to come over the next few days.

Movie: BMX gets big air and crashes.
Movie: RIDICULOUS Karate Guy - Priceless!
Movie: Crotch Rocket Flip and Crash
Movie: Two Awesome Basketball Shots
Movie: 155mph Motorcycle Drag Crash

There are some things that should never be done. Some of which are painfully obvious, like sex with a leper, or reality television. But Hollywood's desire to destroy everything good and descent about childhood has gone too far.

Sure they re-made nearly every cartoon we grew up on into a bunch of epilepsy inducing cartoons...except Voltron...I know people who are still having seizures from that show. Sure they had to turn every show my parents grew up on into a movie starring some "comedian" who's own show is cancelled almost immediatly following the movie's release.

But there was one show I thought was still innocent...still free of horrible remakes...and that show was Transformers. Now I find this article that proves that all those redneck, imbred, good ol' boys may have been right, George W Bush may in fact BE God...because God is an idot. They plan on making a live action Transformers movie.

First off HOW do you make a live action movie about robots which turn into other machine's of varying use or hilarity? I envision something akin to Godzilla but cheesier.

Why are they giving it to Michael Bay? His claims to fame are Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. I swear if Ben Affleck in it I will carpet bomb Dreamworks with tartar sauce or something. Look at the writers, they've brought us such wonderful things as The Goonies II, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (whose only saving grace was Bruce Campbell), and the soon to be Mission Impossible III.

As for Steven Spielberg...fuck Steven Spielberg. This is the guy who changed it so that every federal agent in E.T. was pointing a deadly walky-talky at the escaping kids. What were they going to do? Give them brain tumors in 20 to 30 years? He even went to far as to say he would have ended Close Encounters of the Third Kind completely differently. This is the guy who turned Stanley Kubrick's final masterpiece about an artificially intelligent robot who seeks to find love and instead meets with only hate into A.I.

What all that boils down to is that the people who are deeply enmeshed in this movie's inner workings are like a ball of shit that, once rolling, may actually cause people heads to implode with it's shear shittiness.

Still, imagine if they introduced a new robot. Something like...Dildomus Extreme! Because every movie needs an extreme characted. It could be played by Vin Diesel for many reasons; 1) He looks like a dildo, 2) He's "extreme! (insert high pitched guitar music here)", 3) His acting ability is about akin to that of a dildo, 4) He could finally claim to actually be a sex symbol instead of just a 40ish douchey douche bag of douche.

There should be a petition to stop this.

That's my rant for today. Thanks for tuning in.

-James

Link: Transformers Movie

So I went to see Batman Begins this evening. One thing you should know about this theater I frequent is that it wasn't enough to build one Atlas Cinema in Mentor, Ohio. No no...it was necessary to build two of the bastards. Not only do they show the exact same movies within a five mile radius of each other, but they tend to show them at similar times. Not the same times mind you, similar. Not only that but I swear they switch their listings just to fuck with people.

As you may guess from the post title and the above paragraph I did not in fact get to see my intended movie. So instead I saw Land of the Dead DooooOOOOOwooooo!

I've always been a big zombie movie fan, and a big George Romero fan in particular. His second two "of the Dead" movies may have not been the best, but, damnit, he created the genre. He really reinvented it this time too.

Now let me give you some advice, take a crap before you go. Because the opening scene alone has enough in it to make your ass wanna let go and make you stink worse than anyone in the theater. Even worse than the homeless guy outside begging for swiss cheese and yelling to all that american cheese has tiny little tracking devices planted in it by a shadowy government agency hell bent on creating a world of lactose intolerant people who get diarrhea every time they drink a cup of milk or ingest any other dairy product. Why? Because that's what the alien overlords eat. I think that was on The X-Files once.

Anyway, the movie is quite good. I'm actually surprised at that because most horror movies are crap lately. Of course there was Shaun of the Dead but that's a comedy. No this movie really went into the bleak, hopeless world of George Romero in general and a world of zombies in particular. That may sound backwards but it's not. This is the first one I've seen and thought, "If this were possible this is likely how it would play out."

It's got everything, A drunk Irish guy, a money crazy white guy (who also happened to play King Koopa in a little movie called Super Mario Bros.), John Leguizamo (Luigi!) saying "spic" only a few times, a "husky" Samoan, and a black guy hell bent on trying to destroy society. It's almost as if George Romero is trying to make a social commentary out of his movie or something...that's sarcasm. It's hard to tell cause it's written...but it's sarcasm. Romero's first zombie flick Dawn of the Dead, the original, was more a social commentary than anything else.

Anyway, I really suggest this movie. Sure it follows the usual horror movie laws; don't go out alone or you're gonna die, don't be a fucktard or you're gonna die, if you don't have a name in this movie you're gonna die, if you're a woman and you're a bitch you're gonna die hard, if you don't have the majority of the lines in this film you're gonna die. Mostly...you're gonna die.

Oh, this movie did have the most important thing in a horror movie though: boobs. Because nothing says fear like a pair of nips flashing on the screen.

Link: Hitler to Join Metallica
Link: "Hey Dead Fuck"
Link: Ralphie Goes to Hell
Link: Mexican Monografias Part 2
Link: Mexican Monografias
Link: Can You Tell Me How to Get...How to Get To Psycho Streeeet?
Link: A Day In The Life of Mr. Darth Vader...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

If anyone has a PS2 you should try Katamari Damacy. I found it on sale and it looked weird enough that I wanted to try it, so I shelled out the $15 for it. This game is so Japanese I believe that if I showed it to a Japanese person they'd be like "woah...that is too Japanese!" The basic premise is that the King of all Cosmos (henceforth referred to as "KoaC") ate all the stars in the sky, and it's up to you to roll a ball around and roll things up and replace the stars and constellations. Sounds dumb? Pick it up and give it a try. There's even a fun battle mode where you can roll up your opponent if you get bigger than him.

When you're done having a seizure from the insanity of the intro scene you're not going to be able to stop laughing. Although there is one freaky little kid that makes me want to go hide in my closet every time she speaks. If you want to try something completely original then try this game.

-James

Link: Katamari Comic
Link: Very Scary
Link: The Devil's Dictionary
Link: The Bastardization Continues
Link: A Guide to Popularity
Link: Bob Saget Is God
Link: The KoaC